She just sat there, stared into the void.
I looked up accidentally from the kitchen sink, saw my Mom’s reflection on the tiled wall. She was just sitting there like she always does, her eyes staring straight into nothing. I’ve given up trying to figure out what she’s looking at or thinking.
It’s incredibly frightening for me to imagine her mind goes completely blank, for a large part of her waking hours. It saddens me to see her like that. And there’s nothing I can do..
This image was captured when I went out getting dinner while Long-Term Care personnel helped my Mom bathe at home.
I’ve been at that spot several times in the past two, three weeks. Sometimes I just stared at a distance, not really looking at anything. My mind went blank for a brief moment, then reality came back as it always does..
We concluded another short trip with our Mom this morning. Like a tradition, each time I return to Taiwan I always take her to Taipei, mainly to visit our father’s resting place. I’ve been doing that since many years, even though she has never suggested that on her own.
I never understood the relationship between my parents. Now with Mom’s Alzheimer’s, what she remembers or feels about my father has become more or less like a blur. If our father were somewhere watching, what would he want to say to his wife? To his kids?
I suppose it applies to most people that a large portion of our life seems like an endless repetition of the same routine.
It’s been two weeks since I came back to my motherland. Every single day somewhat falls into a routine. Going out is now a chore since my mother can no longer walk more than a block or two. I don’t mind taking her out in a wheelchair. However it seems to me that sometimes she doesn’t even enjoy going out, which more or less dampens my spirit. Why do I even bother then?
My mother has never been someone who’s capable of expressing her emotions. With her Alzheimer’s, it has become even more difficult to understand her behavior. Her forgetfulness can really drive me crazy, and I have to keep reminding myself of her illness, that she can’t help it..
“Your mom appreciates everything you are doing for her even though she doesn’t say it.” my companion said to me the other day. I believe he is right. What he doesn’t know is that I feel guilty being here taking care of my mom while leaving him all by himself far, far away..
We were literally steps away from our building, but Mom needed to rest a bit. While she was sitting there, I captured a few images of her and the surroundings. There were moments her mind seemed to be somewhere else. As to where, no one could tell..
Lost in Emptiness. That’s what I imagine her world is like. It scares me tremendously, but I try not to think about it..
